And Accepting that YOU, actually, Are The Very Person Who Constructed This Reality…
…Of course, not because you WANTED to isolate yourself, but because you subconsciously did so. I have persevered through some pretty f’d up personal battles. (Not tooting my horn here; some years were Vodka-laden, whilst others, I shoveled down inordinate amounts of food to cope with the stress and situational depression. ) But what I’ve recently discovered is that I have been suffering BECAUSE of the PEOPLE I have chosen, repeatedly, to interact with–be it romantic, family or friends. All because I have the horrific tendency to gravitate towards people who’s attention and affection I have to work for. Pretty sad, right? And, until just this past year, I simply didn’t KNOW this about myself. I figured, Life was a Bitch and then We die.
I was in the middle of researching why my most recent attempt at a relationship blew up in my face. I discovered topics like “Attachment Styles”, “Narcissism” and “Empathic People”. Another fun label was “People-Pleaser-Syndrome”. LOL! What??? It’s a DISORDER to be good to others??? Well, the short answer is, Yes…if that ‘do-gooding’ comes at YOUR expense, time or talents and/or to your complete emotional exhaustion. “Ooooooohhhhhhhh…okay. Yeah, that is me alright.”
It Was Time To Take Inventory of the People I Hold Near and Dear…
Big surprise…pretty much all of whom I would consider my closest, and most trusted, friends and family are individuals who I must routinely WORK at to get some much desired together-time. I looked through countless texts and saw this it was always ME who initiated contact. Or, that it was ME who changed my plans to accommodate a request. And, I did this, not to feel sorry for myself, but to see if the literature was accurate. I also began to fact-check things that were said to me and discovered half-truths and some bold lies…all of which I believed at the time because they seemed plausible–even mundane. I mean, who would lie about the small stuff? It has been a hard pill to swallow. Why do I love people, put up with their BS and do things for them when I get SO little in return?
Wait, I don’t ever ‘give to get’…that’s just gross…I can’t. I’m talking about times when friends and family don’t pick up the phone, return a text, or RSVP in time or at all. I just put up with it. Year-after year-after year. I guess I’ve always considered crumbs to be okay because…well…everyone is so busy these days, right? WRONG. But again, I only know this now. You see, I ALWAYS return a call, a text or an RSVP–even if I have to ask for a rain check or kindly decline an invite. ALWAYS. I’m nice–the people I surround myself with are NOT–and moving forward, I must STOP with the justifications.
But It Has Not Been Easy. In Fact, It’s Getting Quite Lonely.
I’ve become very observant. Quiet. Less emotionally invested for the moment. I want to do this right. Gently. I want to recognize all of the people who DID initiate contact with me…but who I didn’t know how to receive their friendship or advances because they were Warm and Open–and all I know is Cold and Hard To Crack. I’m fighting coming off as miffed or accusatory towards those who have always behaved this way with me. I mean, how would they know? I have let them get away with murder since they met me. It’s not really their fault. But it IS MY TASK to make emotionally healthy choices from now until forever and NEVER settle for crumbs again. It is my chance to be open and to find myself in the midst of a loving, giving and accepting crowd…finding myself loving and giving right back with warmth and ever flowing reciprocity.
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