Week 3 – 15 January 2017
Hello! It’s Sunday here in Australia, and I have NOT had a drop of booze all weekend and in 36+ degree heat (97 degrees Fahrenheit for those playing overseas), so that is some kind of witchery, right there!
Mid-January normally brings along with it a feeling of sadness, or at least loss. Christmas has gone, the New Year is well underway and we are all back at work and into our routines (begrudgingly for me, anyway).
This week was a tough one. Like I said last week, I had a few warning signs. I was snappy, easily agitated, completely disinterested in anything and anyone. This is not normal. This feeling of contempt inside of me, is not normal. I know I have depression and anxiety, however it is getting worse. I used to have ups and downs, but nowadays it is so rapid and unexpected and so strong (the negative feelings), something needs to be done.
You would think having awareness of the situation would make it easier to control, right? Wrong. The quote which sticks with me currently is You cannot see your reflection clearly in boiling water. That’s just it. I am so acutely aware of other peoples feelings and emotions, it is so easy to offer friendly advice or a second opinion. When it is yourself though, impossible.
I do consider it a small success that I DID recognise it this time, I knew I was going to blow. I tried my very best to contain and control it (please can I NOT take this out on everyone around me this time?). I exercised. Like a madwoman. It helped little with the agitation, but really everyone at the gym walks around pissed off and pumped up full of faux energy, so who cares. It did help with the nervousness however and that made me feel a little more in control.
SURPRISE, SURPRISE – when you stop eating like sh*t and you start moving again, you feel a bit more in control. This is literally not a lesson to anyone, everybody knows this, so why do we forget?
To be clear though – I am not an exercising person. I am all or nothing. Six days a week or one time in six weeks. I don’t get the ‘high’, I don’t experience the need or excitement, the ‘deep burn’ ;). So I think that makes it so much harder for me to stick to it. In all seriousness – if you cannot bear to leave the house or even your bedroom, how can you be expected to get out there and work-out? If you have any tips, please do let me know, I would really appreciate it.
What I learnt this week about myself:
When I am anxious, stressed or feeling ‘off’ I have to force myself to be kind to others. What a sh*tty thing that is? Where I normally praise my Husband or say thanks to others, I forget. I am so consumed with my own crap that I forget I am not the centre of the universe (to myself). Only when I am experiencing high levels of anxiety though.
Goodreads Challenge: Book 3 – Elijah’s Mermaid by Essie Fox
Elijah’s Mermaid is Essie Fox’s was published in 2012. It is a historical, gothic/mystery fictional novel. As my third book for the year, I found it was beautifully written – I could hear/smell/taste everything within this book. You have freak shows, brothers, mermaids and a couple of plot twists.
Having finished Still Alice the week before, it would have paid to pick up a book which was light and fluffy, which of course I did not. Do I even own any of those? Note: What is a light-hearted, happy book which I can read? I did struggle to finish this book, it was pretty dark and I am not huge on fantasy. This booked was picked purely for its cover and it had Mermaid in the title. Where could I go wrong?
Like I said, it was beautifully written and it has a 3.5 on Goodreads, so that’s a pretty good score.
My takings from Essie Fox’s ‘Elijah’s Mermaid’:
People are not possessions. We do not own others and sometimes we need to remember to have other hobbies, passions and interests than our significant other. Who somebody is on paper or in your memory, may not be what they continue to be.
People grow, grow with your person/family/siblings/friends. Live in the now x.
What I understand the difference between healthy and respectful love and obsessive and disrespectful love is that feelings of infatuation become extreme, may involve jealous and delusions.
Next week – I plan on exercising and sweating the crappy feelings away 6 times during the week. I will remember to be thankful to those around me, I will not eat sh*tty food to make myself feel better and I will remember that I might just be cranky because it is hot as balls.
Wishing everyone a wonderful week
Lucy
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