Words I thought I would never ever ever say to my sister.
‘It’s ok to let go now Tina. You don’t have to fight battle this any longer. Your going to be ok and not suffer anymore. Dads going to look after you now.’
I had remained so strong for her up until this point.
At 1am her professor she loved and adored all her life who’s been treating her since being diagnosed at 3yrs old came to see her. Then again at 3am, he asked Tina if she would like to be put to sleep and end this long journey of suffering. He said squeeze my hand for yes and she rest her head on his shoulder and she squeezed his hand real tight.
The professor asked what we thought. The decision was already made and we had to respect Tina’s wishes.
Once she had the sleep medication she said ‘look after my mum’. We chatted about more memories. I asked if there was anything I could do for her in life that she didn’t chance to do. She said ‘get married have kids.’
I said I don’t want to if your not going to to be there. I wanted you to walk me down the isle. I said but if I ever do, promise you will be there in spirit won’t you.
I asked what song she wanted at her funeral, she told me. She always knew what she wanted in life.
I said ‘the world is not going to be the same without you in it. She asked why.
I said your my best friend, sister, soul sister and you have been like a mum to be growing up and a real inspiration. You have taught me so much. I could never have asked for a better sister than you. I said you were the one that was like a second mum to me through my dads death.
I said ‘I love you so much T, we have a sisterly bond so strong that is quite rare and not every one has.’ She said ‘I know’. I told her I would do anything for you, I said if I could honestly take this suffering away from you and it be me instead I would. I said I would say I would travel across the world for you, but already have. As soon as I heard you were real sick I came . Thanks for holding on for me til I got here. But please don’t suffer anymore.
Once she had he first dose of sleep medication. I thought we would have an hour left with her, 10 hours later she’s still fighting it and sitting up and moving not being able to settle. Just so distressed. We decided to give her a second dose and double the dose. We have another breakdown and I tell her again I It’s ok to let go.’ The words don’t come easy, but this is truely traumatising to see her suffer this much.
My sister was there in my dads final moments. To think on 16th May, it was my dads 25th anniversary of passing away and I spoke to her on his anniversary a few weeks ago and I asked what he said as his goodbye. She told me and I just cried. I thought how strong she must have been to have been through that. Now here I am going through the same thing. She said 6 months ago ‘I am the same age as my dad when he died, 41yrs.’
Earlier that night I had fed her tiny bits of strawberries followed by ice cream as she had a sore throat. She was sooo amazed by the taste! When I was still being strong for her to pull through, I had asked her what the first thing was she wanted to do when I was still when she got out of hospital. She said to see her pups. Once we knew she wasn’t going to make, Russ drove home at 3.30am and brought the pups to her hospital bedroom. They licked her to death whilst she was sleeping. When she woke they didn’t fuss her so so thought they didn’t recognise her.
I honestly feel like I’m in a novel. Reading someone else’s nightmare.
I got into bed with her and intertwined my arm around hers and held her hand whilst kissing her shoulder, her cheeks and stoking her hair. I lay solidly with her for 23hours and was with her 24/7 for 4 days. I couldn’t miss a moment with her. After my legs felt so week I got up and had a little wondered around the ward retracing the steps I took when I came straight to hospital to see her at Christmas. The room was directly opposite to the one she is in now. I stood in that spot where she ran and greeted me and cried with joy to see me when I came home at Christmas. I looked over to the room where she is now and cannot believe how life can turn.
It was 4am and I got back into bed with her and cuddled up to her. You could tell she could still hear so I whispered into her ear for a few hours. The last thing I said to her was ‘I’m sorry you have had to suffer so much, life is not fair and if I could change anything in the world I would choose for me to be going through this rather than you. I told her ‘this is the day I have be most scared about all my life’. I thanked her again for hanging on for me to arrive. Russ had said she wanted to give up 5 days ago. I said you best always best be with me! ‘Go and be with dad now Tee, don’t be scared.’
She took her last breath and passed away peacefully wrapped in my arms at 6.25am on Friday 9th June. Whilst we were all awake and there in her hospital bedroom.
You can tell how very loved she was by how very upset all of the doctors and professors are who do this for a living. Plus all of the amazing love and support from you guys. ❤️
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