What is with WWF and not letting people just have a straight up fucking tag match? Who, exactly, in their front office thinks the addition of Bobby the Brain Heenan and Koko B Ware improves this match? The Islanders vs British Bulldogs sounds like the best match of the card. The Islanders and Bobby Heenan vs the Bulldogs and Koko B Ware sounds like filler.
Anyway, this is one of those rare occasions when I know why people are fighting, because I remember the Rumble, and the whole thing about the Islanders stealing Matilda. I mean, it’s not a good story, but still, it’s a story I can follow. The Bulldogs come out and Gorilla Monsoon says this is the first time we’ve seen Matilda in quite some time which makes me think the dog that previously played the role of Matilda probably died and they had to find another one to replace it.
Matilda chases Bobby the Brain out of the ring and Bobby the Brain is evidently terrified. He’s wearing a huge protective suit he’s so scared. It’s good cowardly heel goodness.
Dynamite Kid has had enough of all the dicking about and catapults the Islanders into the ring and starts throwing them about. He starts the match off officially against Tama, and sends him flying out of the ring with a slingshot, a move which never has and never will make sense.
Haku and Davey Boy Smith come into the ring. It’s hard not to wonder, if a shoot fight broke out between these two teams, who would win.
I mean, taking Heenan and Koko B Ware out of the equation, obviously.
People never really give Davey Boy enough credit for what a good technical wrestler he is. I mean, he’s powerful as hell, and has some killer power moves, but his technical side way outstrips 90% of the roster too.
Tama comes in, starts working on Davey Boy’s arm, and Davey Boy goes what, no, and just hoists Tama up over his head.
But Tama and Haku are tagging in and out well so Smith can’t keep the upperhand. He tags in Koko B Ware, who hits a nice dropkick. Then both Islanders come into the ring and hold Koko up and Koko does a weird move where he takes them both down and it looks… less nice. Dynamite Kid comes in, and immediately hits a really hard looking clothesline. Three seconds later, Haku hits him in the face with a hard looking kick, as if to say, yeah, two can play at that game matey.
And then Bobby the Brain comes in. His kicks look… less good. He slaps at Dynamite with the sleeves of his stupid outfit, and Dynamite pushes him away and so he goes tags in Tama instead.
Tama goes for a big move off the turnbuckle. Dynamite lifts the knees. He gets the tag to Koko. Koko’s moves either look fantastic or trash, there is no middle ground. Haku takes over and starts beating the piss out of Koko and the cameraman pans away and shows us Matilda’s face.
not pictured: wrestling
The Brain comes in against Koko and does more stomping and forearms and such, until Koko gets fed up and starts punching him back, but it doesn’t hurt because he is wearing a suit to protect him from the dog he’s scared of, so Heenan strangles Koko but it doesn’t work because Koko is flapping his wings like a bird and everything about this sentence is what makes wrestling both the greatest and stupidest thing in the world.
Koko sends the Brain into the ring post. The Islanders think fuck this and come in and start beating on Koko, and so in come the Bulldogs, and of course the referee thinks well we can’t have this and so escorts the babyfaces out of the ring whilst letting the heels do whatever the fuck they want behind his back. And what they want is this: to lift Heenan up and drop him on Koko’s face, and leave him there for the pin.
And so it’s happened, a match between the Islanders and Bulldogs has finished with Heenan pinning Koko B Ware. It’s like they don’t even want good wrestling on their shows.
Match rating: 2.5 stars
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