Grief

For so long I’ve been in an environment where I wasn’t allowed to feel grief. True, heartbreaking grief. When pets died, I was sad I was upset but my mental issues and negative conditioned overrode my feelings and contained them. ‘keep them manageable. You need to have your wits about you at all times. Grief will become ammo against you, he will 100% kick you when you are down so just don’t fall down.’
I tried to give myself permission to feel but I just didn’t feel all that much other than constant stress and anxiety.

Yesterday I thought I would lose my cat.
I lost all my beloved birds – including two hand-raised beautiful parrots and my particularly loved chickens.
but I managed to save one cat, it took me all day. I tried to keep my shit together but I couldn’t.
I fell down into a bed and I cried, I truly cried. I truly and oh so deeply felt pain like I hadn’t felt for ages. It wracked my body, it shut down my mind. I was nothing but the emotional pain and hurt screaming to occupy all of who I was.
I stayed like that for a couple of hours. I was able to stop what I was doing and let myself just experience this raw pain – I had no other choice it was consuming me and it wanted to be expressed.
after the tsunami of grief was felt I was hollow. Still sad but hollowed out, I was able to continue making the calls and doing the things that I needed to do that day.
It took me till the evening to save my cat through the help of friends. Forever in my friends debt. But she is safe now