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“Dude, do you have to sit so Godamn close?”
“Sorry,” said Tony, scooting over towards the window.
“And why the fuck aren’t you in the back, anyway?”
Tony looked in the back seat at Floyd, Frank, and Snowy, who were already packed in like sardines. “I don’t know. I thought three in the front and three in the back was a much better fit.” –Bobble-bobble-bobble
“It’d be fine if you weren’t one of the three up front!”
“What the fuck’s your problem man?”
“Oh man,” uttered Floyd, putting his forehead in the palm of his hand.
(inhale) “Here we go.”
“Huh…huh-huh.”
Jason turned around to address the three in the back, “You wouldn’t be laughing if you were in my situation How would you feel if you were up here sitting next to a flaming queer?”
“Say WHAT???”
“Huh-huh-huh-huh. Not good.”
“Who’s a flaming queer?”
“You! You haven’t been able to keep your fuckin’ eyes off of me since we met. Winking at me and spewing derogatory remarks in my direction. What the fuck’s the deal with you? I don’t go that way.”
“Neither do I, you narcissist fuckin’ nut-job!”
“Nut? Job? An interesting choice of words. Not crazy, insane or wrong…but NUT! And job! You know why? Because you got my nuts on your brain!”
“Jason,” pleaded Boodles.
“Jason, chill the fuck out. You’re completely off base with this one.”
“How do you know, Snowy?”
Tony was perplexed, “Is this a joke, man?”
“I was gonna ask you the same thing. Why are you hitting on me like a prisoner in Sing-Sing. What, you want to sniff my balls, Tony? Is that what you want? Huh? You wanna give me a nut-job?”
“Jason! Cut the shit, man. He’s not gay!” said Boodles.
“You wanna step out of this fuckin’ car Jason; I’ll show you gay, you fuckin’ jerk-off!”
“Ah-ha!” Jason pointed in his face accusingly. “Another interesting choice of words!”
“This isn’t gonna be good,” Floyd said softly.
“That’s what you want isn’t it? To smell my ass! You want to smell my ass, Tony? Huh? Wanna smell it? Here!” Jason squatted up, pulled his pants down, and bent over the front seat, facing the guys in the back.
“Jesus Christ! Nobody needs to see that!” Shake-shake-shake.
Jason shoved his bare ass towards Tony’s head in the front seat. “Here! Smell it, fag!!”
“Holy shit,” said Frank Slate laughing hysterically. “Look at this crazy mother-fucker.”

Floyd was about to chime in when Jason let out a terrible high pitch scream that could’ve pierced the ears of the deaf. Boodles pulled the car off to the side of the highway. “What the fuck?? Jason, are you alright? Are you alright? What happened? What did you do, Tony?”
“Nothing.”
“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! That’s the funniest Godamn thing I’ve seen! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!” Cough, cough –Shake-shake-shake.
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” said Jason, holding back tears, trying to maintain what dignity he had left in the presence of his girlfriend, meanwhile trying to pull his pants up casually without success. “I’m fine.”
“Fine?” said Floyd Baxter form the back seat. “There’s a pack of Marlboro’s jammed in your anus. How fine is that?”
“Huh-huh-huh…Jason has some butts in his butt.”
“Shove your ass in my face again. I’ll do more than that, I swear to fuckin’ Christ, I’ll jam a tire iron in there.”
“And I’m sure you’re just the guy to do it to.”
“It’s always a laugh riot with you guys, that’s for sure.”
“Yeah, Floyd? Real funny. I can’t pull ’em out now. Fuck!”
“Oh my God,” said Boodles visibly horrified. “Turn around Jason.”
“Whoa. I don’t-“
“Just turn around. Let me give it a try.”
“Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening,” said Snowy, tearing up from laughter.
Jason turned around putting his elbows on the seat, facing the left side of Tony meanwhile shoving his ass in the air above the steering wheel. Boodles attempted, at first to pull with all her might, but couldn’t get enough room behind her with the driver’s door still closed. So, she opened the door and stood outside, along the side of I-95, tugging at the stubborn cigarette pack lodged in Jason’s ass. “These things are really stuck. How the hell did this happen? I mean, it’s only paper and thin cardboard.”
“I think there was a good amount of will and determination behind it,” Snowy said, noticing car lights approaching from the road way and slowing down. “We got company.”
“Shit. The cops?”
“It ain’t the cops,” Tony assured Jason, looking in the passenger rearview.
“Well then wave them away, Boodles. Wave them away!”
Boodles did just that as another carload of their friends came to a crawl right beside them, she waved her arms towards the road in front of her, “We’re okay, guys. No need to stop. Thanks anyway! See ya back at the graveyard later!” The car picked up speed and drove off with a ‘honk’.

*****

(from the other car)….

“Was that Jason with his naked ass up in the air?”
“Yep,” confirmed Cannoli Spitzer to Charlotte. “Sure was.”
“What do you suppose that’s all about?”
Alexander raised his eyebrows and looked at her from the passenger seat, “Perhaps Tony got his way after all.”
“Perhaps,” sighed Charlotte. “I just figured Jason to be a bit more of a tease than to give it all up on the first date, you know?”
“Well, boys will be boys,” Alexander yawned.
“Jesus Christ!” Cannoli yelled, looking at Nicki’s head in Copper Tom’s lap, “Do you guys have to do that right here? What the fuck!?”

Front Cover for Driftwood (book 1)