Fresh out of college to say my hopes for the rest of my life were high would be an understatement. I’d worked hard for years with a vision of a promising future. The difficulties I had faced were going to be rewarded with an amazing post-graduation job, friends all over the world and that desirable realisation that I finally had my shit together.
It’s safe to say that when none of that came I felt like everything was against me.
I couldn’t understand why my life didn’t just fall right into place.
Why didn’t I instantly have the successful career I’d worked so hard for? How did I feel lonelier than ever before after making so many new friends? Was it possible that I had absolutely no hope of a promising future after spending years trying to build it?
My mind would not rest. I went into a complete panic mode and had an uncontrollable feeling that everything around me was spiraling. I had no plan, no money and nothing to hold onto. All I could think was how much I needed to find stability. I had to get a grip on anything that gave my life direction and made it feel like it was worth something. I tried to build as many friendships that I could possibly fake, went for job interviews that were of absolutely no interest to me and desperately tried to look like I had everything together, even though it was falling apart.
I couldn’t admit to myself that after 4 years of college, nothing was working out the way I wanted it to.
I quickly became stuck in the mindset that until everything came together, I couldn’t be happy in the state of the in-between. So I asked myself “what do I need to be happy?”. Where do I want to live? What kind of people do I want in my life? What career will make me jump out of bed in the morning? The answer? I had absolutely no idea.
I had been like a hamster on a wheel just running and running with no direction for years.
Life had always been mapped out for me and I just unknowingly went along with it. I had no idea what I wanted because I’d never really had to think about it.
Now, for the first time in my life, everything is in my hands. I don’t have to live where my education is. I don’t have to see the same friends every day by default. I have the chance to be whoever I want to be and take a hold of my life in any way I want to. On paper, this sounds great. It’s a time of life that should be full of optimism and promise. But in reality, it’s just been driven by panic, urgency and hopelessness. Not because I don’t see a great future for myself, I do. But, because I can’t seem to get my head around not having everything in place right now.
I’ve been angry at myself, frustrated with the world around me and resentful of past decisions resulting in me not having my shit together. But what I’ve finally come to realise is that I shouldn’t resist this stage of life. For once, I have no ties. If I want to pack a bag and fly across the world I can. If I have the desire to date a bunch of guys there’s no one stopping me. If I get an urge to shut myself off from the world and have a “me” day I don’t have anyone to answer to.
For the first time, I have the chance to grow into the person I want to be.
To actually learn from the lessons I have gone through and truly realise who the person I have become is. I can get to know what my aspirations really are by trying a bunch of stuff I’ve never even considered before. I have the freedom to go out into the world and meet people that inspire me to start living my life to the fullest.
I guess what I realised is that nothing holds us back more than having a vision of how we want things to be.
More often than not, reality is a disappointment when it’s compared to our expectations.
We can either spend time frustrated that things are not what we thought they would be. Or, we can embrace that during the times that everything feels a mess, we might find something special. Whether it’s learning something new about ourselves, having an unexpected change in direction that we will be thankful for later or discovering that we can cope in crisis, there’s value in it.
It’s okay to not have everything together, as long as we remember that this stage of life is what gets us to where we want to be.
We just have to trust the process and embrace every ounce of confusion along the way.
