A change in thought leads to a change in destiny
Those random thoughts that pop in your head. They’re not random. Even the ones that are more like a memory. So when you remembered the rumor that your Aunt might have early on-set dementia there was a reason.
Yes that big brain of yours, that loves to store useless trivia, immediately connected the information to all the articles you’ve read about the link between dementia and diet.
And those neurons traveled into the land of distant memories and you recalled all the cool, fun foods she had at her house. Stuff your mom would never buy.
And of course, because you’re just a glutton for the feels, you recalled all the heartache and disappointment your little 8 year old self felt because mom wouldn’t buy all that cheap crappy junk food. She said it was too expensive. You had to just accept that because you were a kid and you didn’t have money.
That memory sling-shot you to the next memory. The one when you were doing your own grocery shopping and realized all the food your mom wouldn’t buy was actually cheaper than the stuff she did buy. Hello, self-righteous rage. You were still slightly in your angry phase then.
And of course you bought it. You bought it and learned. It might be cheaper, but it’s still crap. It tastes like crap, it made you feel like crap and it didn’t fill you so you ended up eating twice as much.
She was right. She just didn’t explain it right, or maybe you didn’t hear her right. I mean, you were just a kid after all.
Now, you pride yourself in cooking only from scratch. You’re teaching your kids why you don’t buy junk food. You learn to cook new foods and try new recipes.
Now, you know Food is Medicine.
But the real reason for that random memory and all the connected thoughts was to point out that At Least Your Mom Did That.
She cooked from scratch because that’s what her mother did, because it was the most economical choice at the time and because she really likes the taste of food.
She modeled that skill and lifestyle for you, making it easier to learn and adopt for yourself.
There’s a lot of things she didn’t do well. There were a lot of things you chose not to emulate. You never did get into the bar scene or dabbled in controlled substances and you learned how to disagree without screaming and name-calling. *that’s pretty impressive*
I know you don’t want to hear this but there are still a lot of hurt feelings over those things. It’s easy to focus on the bad and just be hurt and angry about it. That doesn’t serve you so, you pretend it doesn’t bother you at all but it still does. A little.
I’m sorry, sugar, but you’re too old to see the world in black and white. It’s time for you to forgive, for your own sake. She gave you gifts. Things you can’t buy at the store. Like cooking from scratch and all her creative projects and her stubborn rebellion and warrior woman attitude.
You wouldn’t be who you are if she didn’t share those qualities.
No, she was never the warm fuzzy mama that you are. And you know you are more warm and fuzzy because she wasn’t , right?
And yes she’s self-absorbed to a fault. Still is. Probably won’t ever change.
The reason she’s not a part of your daily life, isn’t because there’s something wrong with you. I know sometimes the little 8 year old in you thinks so and she can be pretty convincing.
The real reason is because like attracts like. You attract what you are, not what you want. You grew and evolved and traveled down the path that you were supposed to and she traveled a different one.
It’s not personal; It’s just life.
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