I was at 12 years old when I first became conscious sexually about my body and the opposite sex. And my consciousness grew much deeper because back then I fed my mind with so much sexual image through magazines and newspaper of explicit women showing their skins and bodies. (Internet was still expensive back then)
But once in a while when my parents are gone and I am alone in the house, I would visit porn sites for at least 10-15minutes only. The first time I did it; I felt satisfaction within me and would like to do it again. And it became an addiction because it always feels good. Whenever I feel bored, pain and sadness, I will always come back to pornography.
It was always like these for 14 years! And as a Christian I know that I sound like a hypocrite to you and it really is. It was a very hard journey; and at many times I try to fight this addiction, all efforts trying to hardly stop it always failed. It is more than just trying to avoid the negative effects of frequent masturbation that causes more depression but rather what God is calling me to be. For He calls us to live a life of purity provided by His grace to live it.
It was like a roller coaster ride when it comes to battling this addiction. There were good times that I felt like I’ve overcame it but it was never consistent. The next 2-4 weeks I’ll be back to where I used to be. The longest abstinence I have in watching pornography is 7-8 months but after that I failed also.
Yes, I have failed many times as a Christian before and I ask God for repentance many times.
“And still even though a thousand times I have failed still His mercy remains..” – from the inside out HS United
I may recite you all a number of tips and advice on how did I manage to overcome watching pornography now like trying to avoid idleness and stuff like that. But I tell you all efforts I made failed if Christ was not the center of my objective to stop my addiction. The moment I lose focus to God is the moment I failed my path towards purity. And it does not just come into one big temptation. It comes through small stuff that I am are feeding my mind every day. And it gets much harder now since everything in the internet is easily accessible.
Not just that, pornography has great effects on women as well. Once you are addicted to porn, your behavior towards other people especially the opposite sex manifests on what you watch. I remember that this was one of my struggles during my first girlfriend. Although we did not have sex, we are trying to explore ourselves more and more everyday until we lead to that point. We broke up but I learned my lesson about pursuing purity. And not just into relationships but to every people you make contact everyday. Woman should not be viewed as sexual objects but they are our sister’s in God. They are loved and adored.
Whenever I see a woman pass by and is really attractive and kind of tempting, I always make sure that I pray for her even I do not know her for I know that she is my sister in Christ.
It takes time before I finally, overcame it. His grace is made perfect in my weakness about sexual purity. And I thank God for everything that He has done for me. And God is using me in this ministry.
And to the people who is reading this and struggling with pornography, It is still never too late to ask repentance to God who is merciful. Ask Him for the strength to be with you in times the enemy will tempt you. It is hard but through Him we can overcome.
Good day
