Environmental scientists are calling for a ban on glitter because of the negative ecological impact it is having on marine life. I guess a bunch of fish are eating it, and one presumes that’s not very good. One study found that one-third of fish caught in the UK had consumed plastic particles. Now, it doesn’t say out of how many fish were caught, just one-third. So technically, this could be a three-fish study. I’m not sure how people are surprised glitter ends up in the ocean. It’s got “litter” right in the name. And if there’s anything I learned from the movie Deep Blue Sea, it’s that fish love shiny shit.
Let me just make it crystal clear that I am ALL IN for a ban on glitter. Yeah, save the fish, blah blah blah. But mainly I’m whole-heartedly supporting this worldwide glitter ban because glitter is the worst invention in the history of mankind. Glitter is even doing double-duty against fish, because it caused me to hate a book about fish as a kid.
Once you get glitter on your hands, it is impossible to get off. Soap, water, paint thinner…Nothing works. I assume that after a while, it just absorbs into your skin. Not only that, it almost instantly spreads from your hands to your face, but somehow all the glitter from your hands is still on your hands, which leads me to believe glitter is a single-celled organism that spreads like the plague. As if bubonic glitter wasn’t bad enough in and of itself, ever heard of getting glitter bombed, where the worst terrorists imaginable send a package just full of glitter, so that when you open it, glitter goes everywhere? Can you imagine anything more horrifying? I would much rather get unabombed than glitter bombed.
Bottomline, glitter is the worst, fish are ok, and Deep Blue Sea is the best non-Will Smith-movie-where-the-titular-song-is-performed-by-one-of-the-stars-of-the-movie ever.
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