I wanted to go to the cemetery to find solitude or even the lake, but here I am. Sitting in my home, again. I have been beyond aggravated with myself the past few days. I have a friend that has been real with me. See, in my world, that just isn’t allowed. I am unable to keep boundaries so I typically avoid friends at all costs. Trying to be a devout Christian, living single, and having friends outside of the church is typically frowned upon. I am torn. He is a heathen and yet he gave more respect than the saint hiding behind the computer looking for nude pics of ladies. I would rather have one heathen friend that I can communicate with, than ten unholy, self proclaimed Apostolic friends, that are consumed with lust. Sadly, this spirit is rising among the churches more so than ever.
This issue does not fall within him. The issue is within me. I have people give respect and genuinely care, but this produces feelings I do not understand. I can’t sort them. Then when I hold everything in, I explode, because I want to show I am worthy of that kind of friendship. I can’t find a middle ground. Trust is not in my nature anymore. I have spent a lifetime of being hurt by infidelity and I just think sometimes that no person would ever want me and that I am so undeserving of any kind of love they could give. I am not saying, ‘oh I am so in love with him’. I am saying that our time spent was shining light in my darkness and as the light was shining, I was having to run face to face with demons within me that I have simply tamed over the years. I am petrified. It’s bad enough feeling worthless and knowing that I can make myself unlovable, but it is much harder craving everything that I set myself up to fail in. I try and be positive, I repeat scriptures, and I will even speak positive words, but sometimes , it doesn’t seem to be enough.
I am afraid to love and afraid to be loved, but I want both. How does one sort that out? Jealousy creeps in. I can truly be one of the world’s most vindictive and evil people out there. That is not my desire though. I seen a little hope within myself and thought I was ready and yet, I felt like the same scared child I was, holding the covers over my eyes, asking God to change my circumstances. Does any and every male figure have to bring me to that place in my life? If so, then how do I resolve that? I have already opened that can of worms, time and time again with my dad, to try and gain control of my life. I have built this idea that men can’t be good. They can’t love. They will always end up looking like monsters to me and my heart hangs onto the story of Beauty and the Beast. I desperately desire to be the one to find compassion and help tame the beast in someone, but how do I tame the one in myself?
It is really hard to sort this out. I am aware of many issues. I try not to dwell in the past, but I do. I know all men aren’t bad guys, but I expect them to be. I can’t accept a kind word without thinking there is motive behind it. I can’t give hug without wanting to be attached. I can’t understand why, even after I know that the examples of love in the past weren’t really love at all, that I still struggle to decipher what it is and why when it comes I can’t just accept it. Like I said I was fine, until my boundaries got shaken. I guess we all want someone to stay, even when we try so hard to push them away. That is such a tiresome battle.
My drive home was unsettling. JESUS what do I do? Where do I go? Do I drive to the place where I first experienced hurt? Do I sit in the cemetery looking at the headstone of the one man that never judged or hurt me? Do I send another apology to my friend? Do I go to the lake and be reminded of a few good childhood days? Who do I talk to and how can I fix me? Crying the whole time, I just wanted to erase time. I am not seeking a hero. I am my hero. I have survived some unimaginable things in my life. I just want to get rid of these demons. I want to remove that target off my back and for once be able to not overreact. I can’t change my past and I am promised a future. My only prayer is that God can help me eliminate such rage within, that I may actually give a man a chance! I am okay. I am always going to be okay. I, in all honesty, enjoyed the experience and am glad for the light being shown in my darkness. How else can I move forward if I can’t see the obstacles before me? I am passionate about finding love, but just as passionate in fixing all my brokenness.
