Sunday night was very slow at our division; an instance as rare as a good Katy Perry song. Heavy rains kept the imbeciles away, so most of us caught up on old jobs (my coworkers) or watched YouTube all night (me). Halfway through the tour, the district brought in a burglary report, and the complainant claimed she had video of the incident.
The assigned detective said he would call the complainant and ask her to send the video via email. He said this in front of me and another detective. I interjected, saying, “You need to ask the complainant to bring the video here personally.” When the assigned asked why, I replied, “Dude, she’s a 25-year old white female. In this division, that’s like finding a unicorn!”
As is usually the case, the assigned detective dismissed me.
An hour later, a female police officer – young, hot, and blonde – came upstairs to tell us there was a woman downstairs with video of a burglary. The woman was asking to come speak to detectives. Ever the helpful soul, I told the officer to send her up.
Shortly thereafter, a woman came to the window. She was white, but not 25 and definitely not hot. In fact, it looked like someone microwaved her face.
How could this be? How could my superior detective instincts be wrong?
The woman was bringing in burglary video, but not from the job we were expecting. The woman asked for the other detective in the previous conversation, and as he was getting ready to walk out to meet her, the female police officer stopped him. She said, “When you meet her, be sure to look at her fingernails.” The officer make a “vomit face” and went back downstairs.
Sure enough, the woman had the nastiest fingernails I have ever seen. I would have guessed she was wearing crap brown fingernail polish, but it was probably more accurate to say she keeps her fingers inside her butthole. *shudder*
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