Now THIS. THIS is the way to end a PPV. With a tag match. That’s not for the titles. Between two of your lesser tag teams. Because that makes way more sense than ending it with the Rumble itself.
The Young Stallions have the puffiest jackets I’ve ever seen on a wrestling team. So at least they have that going for them.
I’m going to dispense with the cynicism now and try to enjoy this because to be fair the Islanders were very good at Survivor Series, so it’ll be nice to see them again. Although, listening to Vince, it seems that the angle they are currently involved in revolves entirely around Matilda, the British Bulldogs’ dog. It sounds fascinating. Tama is starting this match, and keeps scurrying away to the ropes, and then shouts smacktalk to Matilda down the camera. I repeat: he is talking smack to the dog. “How’d you like that, Matilda,” he says. I almost want them to cut to Matilda saying, “I don’t give a fuck, I’m a dog.”
Seriously though, it’s very odd, that they’re using the main event of the Rumble to set up a b-level match between two tag teams. The actual match we’re watching is almost an afterthought. This whole thing has seemed more like an episode of Raw than a major PPV. Well, Rumble match itself notwithstanding. And yet the quality has been much better than the other PPVs we’ve seen so far.
Anyway. Tama and Young Stallion Powers are kicking things off and Powers quickly sends Tama scurrying outside the ring. He comes back in and offers Powers a handshake.
you can almost see the referee thinking don’t do it, young stallion
But Powers does do it, of course, but because he is not stupid, he sees the sneak attack coming and catches the foot.
All of this reminds me of how my brother and I play UFC on the xbox, always offering to touch gloves at the start of the round, always going for the sneaky cheap shot if we lure they other guy in, and it never actually working.
Anyway. Tama seems to enjoy playing the heel. It’s infectious. He tags Haku in, but doesn’t stop abusing the crowd whilst on the outside of the ring.
Young Stallion Roma lands a big crossbody on Haku.
The Islanders gain control and do some quick tagging as they work on Jim Powers. A double clothesline with Haku leaves both men down in the middle of the ring, and it’s a race to see who can make it to their partner first. Haku wins, but Powers get to Roma too. Seems a little early in the match for a hot tag. Still, there goes Roma, wiping the floor with Tama, making him beg for mercy. Not to worry though, Tama throws Roma over the top whilst Haku pulls the rope down, and Roma is left sprawling on the outside. He is apparently in agony from the fall, and his good brother Jim Powers comes over to check on him and is all concerned. He is not pleased with the ref for missing Haku pulling the rope, and meanwhile the ref doesn’t give a shit and just wants Powers to get back to his corner.
The ref reaches a ten count and that’s the first fall. They take a short break before the next fall but it’s not looking good for Paul Roma who is basically rolling around screaming like his kneecap has been shattered. When we come back from the break (instantaneously on the network) it turns out the Stallions are in the locker room and we’re waiting to see if they’ll come back, which seems odd. Even odder, whilst we wait for them, Million Dollar Man and Andre the Giant are doing an interview.
This has been a strange pay per view.
I can’t understand a word Andre is saying.
The Young Stallions are coming back out, whichever one has a fake bad leg is limping hard. His leg’s all strapped up. Tama attacks it immediately. Tama goes for a big splash, Roma sticks his knees up, which hurts Tama but seems like a silly strategy for someone with a dodgy leg. Still, he manages to make it to Powers, who tags in and hot tag attacks Haku. You know what, say what you want about Jim Powers, but that dude sure does have an eighties hairdo.
Powers has been in control for a while but can’t get the pin. Haku hits Powers in the “abdominal area” and manages to tag in Tama, and now the Islanders are back in control. Tama hits a big elbow off the ropes.
He doesn’t go for the pin though. Instead he picks Powers up, does a shit hipblock, and then goes for the pin. He doesn’t get it.
Haku puts Powers in an abdominal stretch, and it occurs to me how amazing it would be if this was how the match ended. Someone submitting from an abdominal stretch. In a way, it would be fitting, for a PPV as odd as this.
What happens next is even weirder: Powers comes off the ropes, sees that Haku has lowered his head, so kicks him in the face, and then a second later, falls down for no reason whatsoever. It’s like when Zoey Deschanel somehow falls down when she’s standing up and not even moving in New Girl.
it’s happening
It’s a really badly executed fall, and as he does it, Vince is going on about what a very nice maneuver that was from Powers. It’s all really odd. Haku then misses a dropkick by about three feet but Powers sells it like it hits.
I’m not even exaggerating for comic effect. look how far away that is
“Missed dropkick!” Vince says, as Powers screams out in pain. In fairness, maybe his back has legitimately gone. It would be the only reasonable explanation for how terrible the last thirty seconds have been.
Powers makes the hot tag to Roma, who is still basically a cripple. Haku just stands there and hits Roma as he limps through the ropes. “A gallant effort from Paul Roma!” Vince says. Haku kicks Roma in the gammy leg and he falls down. Tama then hits a big splash off the top rope on the leg, and then Haku puts a submission on him, and Roma quits, still screaming in pain. What a fucking weird way to end a PPV.
Match rating: I don’t know. I just don’t fucking know anymore with this event. It’s been so odd. That was a really oddly booked match. It would have been fine in the middle of the card: the whole purpose of the match was to get the Islanders over as heinous, opportunistic heels, which is fine, except, why end your card that way? Why would you not want to end the PPV with your babyface winning the Royal Rumble? Still, I should rate the match on its own merits. So I will! It was fine. I give it a hearty two and a half stars.
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