I have had so many a-ha moments over the last year. This one is possibly at the core of everything else. It drives everything I do. Everything I am. Exploring Self-talk. Confidence. Beauty. ❤
Background.
When I was in Rwanda, I didn’t have a mirror in my home. I had my phone and iPad which both had cameras, but I didn’t see myself in every room I entered. I didn’t have the opportunity to really “check myself out” before leaving the house every day. I didn’t have the opportunity to look at my body in it’s entirety.
I was in Rwanda for 30 days.
Over the course of my time there, getting ready became more of a morning ritual. It was slow. Peaceful. It was about a mental readiness more than a physical one.
I arrived with very little expectation of what Rwanda living would offer. A mirror was never something I considered.
The point here is I didn’t think twice about not having a mirror. I just went on with life.
It wasn’t until my final day that I realized the impact that ‘no mirror’ had on me.
I had lived for 30 days without any negative self-talk. It was empowering. It was revealing.Self-talk.It was the beginning of something much more.
I didn’t question my appearance, my weight, my uneven skin-tone, my eyebrow shape or my gray hair. (Yes, I have gray hair!) None of those things determined how I entered a room. How I felt in a new group. How I felt I measured up in any given situation.
The big reality or perhaps the irony here is that if someone had asked me about my self-talk, I don’t know that I would have said it was bad. It had become such a subtle portion of who I was… this underlying message of not being enough.
The idea of “enough” stems from several things in my journey and something I’m actively working to rectify. I know I’m enough, but the messages in my self-talk don’t always jive. It’s a weird imbalance but it’s there.Confidence.
This idea of becoming more of my “true self”, changing course from the life I had, created a lot of doubt and uncertainty for me.
I remember having a conversation with Kristi about confidence in March. I remember it because I was questioning a lot of big things in my life at the time. All of a sudden I was dreaming about cooking, being married, having a family. I am a soul-searcher and check in with myself often.
I couldn’t wrap my head around missing this. How did I not know what I really wanted? What was keeping me from seeing these desires? This is where the serious “deconstructing” began.
I was in Verona, Italy and remember this conversation vividly.
One of the things that stands out about this convo with Kristi, was that she made a comment about how I was one of the most confident people she knew and how she was surprised by some of the statements I was making in our conversation.
Side Note: There was a lot happening in this conversation and her comment was entirely valid. I have stated this previously, but Kristi, Audra and Tara are all really good question-askers. It’s because of their questions that I started digging deeper and I’ll be forever grateful that they were (and still are) a part of my journey.
I was struck by this because I was confident. I actually felt that I was one of the more confident people in my age group. I felt I had a really strong sense of self.
What I have come to realize is that I had a box that was my safe place and that was work. I was my best self when I was working. I think that’s why my whole life was built around my work. That’s where I felt the most confident. I knew how to do that.
The challenge about being confident in this case, is that it was about performance.
I could get the job done. I could fill a room of 900+ women. I could manage a program. I could host a happy hour. I could make introductions for days. The list can go on and on.
Confidence in how you perform
and confidence in who you are,
are two different things.
In short, I learned that I had one and lacked the other.My whole identity was built on my Chamber/USF self. Every role I had, even with my friends, all stemmed from work. All of my friends are girls I met in Emerge. My mentors are from the Chamber and WLP.
I never saw this coming.Beauty.
We learn about “beauty” at such a young age and it’s F’d Up.
Beauty comes from within. It’s how you carry yourself. How you smile. It’s a sense of self that is driven by your own self-talk. Happiness. Love of self. Self confidence drives beauty.
It has nothing to do with the products on your face. The shape of your body. Or the brands that you wear.
REAL TALK. It’s really intimidating to not wear make-up. You pick yourself apart. Every wrinkle. Every blemish. Every area of uneven skin tone. Every gray hair. (or at least I did.)
When I got home, I had to re-acclimate myself with my mirror. It was a harsh reality, and it gave me such clarity about this issue. I realized how hard I was on myself almost immediately. I woke up with the same routine of getting ready. No make-up, etc. To see myself in the mirror “that way” was disappointing.
Getting ready began to feel like a task. I got accustomed to wearing shorts and a top, sandals, no make-up, hair in a side-braid. It was quite a new look from the dress, heels, full makeup look I had going on before.
I hated that I felt SO inclined to “go back” to that look in an effort to fit in or live up to this idea of myself here in Florida.
After being at home for a couple of months, I realized that I needed to dive into this a little bit. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around the possibility of living life here without makeup and that frustrated me. Seems so silly now, yet fear can keep us from doing the most simple things.
A year or two ago, my Book Club read “My Year with Eleanor” which the author does one thing every day that scares her. One of the things was not wearing makeup for a week. This idea continued to pop into my mind every so often.
I woke up one day and decided that I wanted to get use to my face. I wanted to get to a point where I could see my face without makeup and not wish it was different. I wanted to look at my face and have a neutral response. I wasn’t looking to be like, “Damn, girl! You lookin good!” I just didn’t want to be surprised.
Discovery & Lessons Learned
I have been living life with no make up for a little more than a month now. It has been a freeing experience for me. It’s one of those things that has almost taken on a life of its own.
My first week, I went to work with no make-up. I pour beer at a local brewery so the idea of no make-up in this environment actually seemed daunting at first.
I remember coming home and telling James, with great excitement, “I was treated exactly the same!”
I was SHOCKED to be honest. I am not entirely certain what I thought would happen. I’m not sure how I thought people would react or why I thought people would even notice. I think we are taught somewhere down the line that beauty is rewarded and beauty means make-up, Spanx, heels, name brands, smooth skin, blah blah blah. How many of us have been told to put on lipstick at work? (insert eye roll)
BUT what I have discovered is how we view ourselves is imperative.
Beauty needs to be redefined. It can only be changed from within. We can’t wait for the world to make freckles beautiful or gray hair something every wo/man desires.
I have a few friends who have tried life with no make up. I love hearing about their experiences.
One of them actually texted me this morning and shared that she received a compliment this morning. She was told she looked ‘happy and poppin!’ (love that!) She felt she was oily faced with no make-up and was surprised to hear such kind words, to the point that her response was “me?”.
We joked about how it shouldn’t be such a surprise, yet it somehow challenges every core belief we have. I can be complimented when I don’t FEEL beautiful?
We agreed that we can state that beauty comes from within. We can say all the things. That doesn’t mean we are putting those thoughts into practice.
Why am I telling you this?
This topic has been weighing heavily on my mind. I am writing this post today because I am passionate about exploring these concepts with you. I’d love for us to all be more comfortable in our own skin. I am challenging us to be vulnerable and let our beauty shine from within.
I am challenging us to monitor our self-talk.
- What do you hear when you look in the mirror or catch your reflection unexpected?
- How does what you see make you feel?
- If it’s positive – AWESOME! It’s it not, explore it.
- How does the ‘stuff’ change your self-talk? Does make-up/botox/body slimmers give you more confidence? Why? Explore it.
I am challenging us to explore what we value in ourselves.
- When do you feel most confident? Where are you? What are you doing? What are you wearing? Who are you with?
- When do you feel most vulnerable? Where are you? What are you doing? What are you wearing? Who are you with?
- What drives who you are?
- Do you have more confidence in certain groups or solo? Explore it.
I am challenging us to explore how we define beauty.
- How does your current definition of beauty drive your perception of self?
- Do you find yourself beautiful? If yes, why? What do you find beautiful about You?If no, STOP! Explore it. Deep Dive. Redefine. Get to YES.
- How does your self-talk play a part in this?
If you find yourself puzzled or stumped, I’d encourage you to dive deeper. If you notice trends in your responses, explore it. If you get overwhelmed, dig in and push through. This life is the only one you have. You better love yourself through it.
Exploring who you are and why you operate the way you do at the core, requires 100% dedication. It requires a lot of emotional work and requires you to allow yourself to let down some walls – even with yourself.
This journey is a personal one but friends and REAL TALK have made it a lot easier. I have a post coming on vulnerability and the importance of REAL TALK because it has become what I live for.
Excited to hear from you on this. ❤
Going Against the Current
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