I once broke my pinky in a car accident. I had no idea it was broken. All I could feel was the pain running down the whole right side of my body; soar, aching, tender pain gripping my insides. But by the looks of it, I would have never guessed there was a break in my finger. After waiting for the results of my x-rays and tests, the doctor finally came to me. He said I was fine with the exception of 1 thing : “You fractured your pinky and wrist”. Sure enough, I was on to the next depressing room in the hospital.
Now sitting close to a different doctor he grabbed my hand. As he felt my pinky and examined what needed to be done, he told me what would happen next. Due to how my pinky broke he was going to have to re-break my finger, set it in place, then put on the splint and wrap it. He said I had two options, he could just go for it and make the break to get it over with. Or, he could give me three shots in between and around my ring finger and pinky. We’d have to wait for the shots to kick in, then make the break. Both situations of which would still bring more pain on top of what I had been feeling. “Forget the shots! just do it!” I told him. I was so over it!! I just wanted to fix the darn thing, warp it up and be on my way. The doctor held my hand. Grabbed my finger, and broke it.
The interesting thing about this memory; sitting in pain, watching the doctor bring me more pain, and doing what was necessary to heal my finger, is that it is a reflection of where I sit with God today. This “thing” that God is doing in my life right now has been one of the most painful experiences yet. It’s not just hard. It hurts. Usually I experience things that are ,”hard” and “uncomfortable”. However, this time it just hurts. I feel like I have spent that last 2 1/2 years feeling soar and aching spiritually, and emotionally. Feeling like I can’t function the same anymore and I’m of no good use. I’ve looked back too many times wanting what I once had, wishing I was the same person I once was. Wanting to be something different. I have even given up on things I was once so confident the Lord spoke to me years ago. I’ve lost what I once had. I’ve grown impatient. Frustrated with unanswered questions. For so long I have just wanted to be normal again. When I went to the hospital after my car accident I was in no good physical condition. I could walk, and function as needed, but inside, it was killing me! My body huuuuurt! I didn’t cry because I didn’t want anyone to see me in pain. I simply tried to muscle through and convince myself everything was fine. The funny thing is; how I handled my pain physically, is exactly how I have been handling myself emotionally and spiritually. I’ve sat waiting, thinking the cause of my pain was only surface deep and it would eventually pass. I’ve tried to carry on strong and pretend like everything was okay.
After aching for so long I have recently come to the conclusion that I have entered the hospital once again broken. This time spiritually and emotionally. I’ve had a few doses of “God” experiences to numb the pain, and make me feel like I was getting better. But just like any pain killer, it kills the pain, not heals the problem. The problem is something way below the surface that cannot be seen by the naked eye. It’s not obvious. Somewhere back in time, something happened. Something caused this break in me and now the only Doctor who can heal me is God.
I have now been sitting with the Lord having no control over what and how He is healing this broken spiritual bone of mine. But one thing I do know, is that it HURTS! And I hate it! I can’t stop saying how much I hate it to be honest. Nevertheless, I can see it all happening right before my very eyes and I know for certain, that what He is doing is bringing me healing. It is restoring me. It is bringing me back to full capacity. Making me stronger, and better than who I once was. He is doing what I have asked Him! “God please, just do something!”. And so…He is. Like most doctors would do, He is talking to me through the process. He is certainly inflicting pain on me. BUT! It is not to harm me, it is to heal me (The refining fire burns, it hurts, but it produces beautiful solid gold). In the process of this inflicting pain I want to scream, “Stop it!! Forget it!!” But I know this is the only way to get better. I am sure there are other ways of getting through this process, just as if I said yes to the shots in my hand, but it would only prolong the process and wouldn’t change the fact that it is still a painful process. When I felt the pain of my finger being broken by the doctor, the pain went running far beyond just my finger. I wanted it to stop, but even more, I wanted to be made better. At this point, what He is doing is surely affecting me beyond one small area in my heart. I don’t care what I have to feel I just want to get to the end of this process.
After leaving the hospital, I had a splint inside my cast for 4 weeks. Surprise, surprise: I hated it! I couldn’t function like normal. I had to learn how to function differently. Since I am right handed, I had to learn how to write with my left. Plus, there were certain restrictions I had and all I could do is wait for it to heal. That’s it. Just wait. No control over speeding up the process. No control over healing it. Same goes for today. Things are just different now and I have to learn how to function differently. All I can do is wait through the healing process. After 4 weeks I was stoked to get the cast off. When I got to the hospital they removed the cast, took more X-rays, and came to find that my wrist needed to be wrapped again for another 2 weeks. Uggggggh!! Are you kidding me!?!? This still isn’t over yet?!?! Back to the depressing room! The healing process wasn’t over. At that point I was almost willing to say, “It’s ok, it’ll be fine” and figure out on my own how to take care of it when it would hurt. Even now, I want to do things my way and do what makes me feel better momentarily. Yet what is necessarily to be done, must be done.
So often, the initial problem within us is covered by all these other, thoughts, ideas and emotions that we so easily try to fix ourselves. We think we know the proper remedy to fix our issues. We try to diagnosis our own problems then self medicate. And you know what else we do? We look for the easiest way out. The fastest cure we can find. The path of least resistance. The one that looks good because it will hurt the least. Thinking that no pain will bring healing. Well, guess what? When has fruit ever been produced without breaking through soil, or bursting through a stem? When can physical strength ever be developed with out your muscles burning? When does a mother ever bring forth new life without labor pains? NEVER! It never happens! Just because something hurts, doesn’t mean it’s “bad” or its “wrong”. It just simply means it hurts, and it is producing something good.
Whenever God allows us to go through something hard and painful it doesn’t always mean we did something wrong, or He is a mean God who doesn’t care. He is not ignoring our pain, or disregarding it. He in fact, is sitting right next to us. Talking us through the process. Though our pain can sometimes make it unbearable to listen, He is still speaking. He sits there, holding our hand the whole time. As He starts to inflict a little more pain, our choice is to believe that what He is doing is good, and is necessary to be healed. To be renewed. To be made whole. Our choice is to believe it is absolutely what we need, not what we want. Or…. We can believe it’s all bad, get out while we can, and carry on broken. One way or another the choice is ours. And my choice is to not just believe, but surly, absolutely, positively KNOW that this “Thing” He is doing is good! It hurts, it is long, it’s still happening, but it is very very good! The process is much longer than expected, but little by little I am functioning better again. God has not left. He hasn’t stopped working in my life. He is simply DOING what I don’t want, but He is GIVING me exactly what I need! If He says I need it, then I want it!
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