I’ve been distracted all week. If there ever was one, this week would have been an emotional rollercoaster. I started the week off by having a horrible dream about rats trying to bite off my feet and they wouldn’t die no matter what I did. Then that morning I saw first hand the jarring effects of depression and drug abuse; it was more traumatizing than I thought it would be. Suffice it to say, I’m glad I’ve had enough self-awareness since I was a kid to know that I cannot handle certain types of injuries and thus never went into medicine. Then I had an incredible encounter with the Lord that evening, reminding me that I was made to love these ones and Isaiah 61 was spoken over me several times. I am here to proclaim freedom for the captives. Jesus let me feel a portion of His heart for the lost.
Tuesday rolls around and I end up spending 5 1/2 hours with one client in crisis. I was non-stop on the clock from 9:30a to 7:30p and I hadn’t eaten except breakfast. I learned a lot about myself that day, not only as a person but as a therapist and was keenly aware of my limited ability. I’m proud of who I was that day – for sticking it out and helping a client who needed to know that they were listened to and heard.
Wednesday I was so exhausted from the day before that I ended up doing a bit of self-care. After a morning of meetings and a farewell potluck, I decided to work from home. I got to SSM early and helped out with sound-check. The worship team wasn’t there yet so a couple of us hopped on and played/sang so the sound person could get it all set up. Little did I know that 2 hours later, I’d be up there singing with my favorite worship leader. I was anxious in a good way but remembered why I love music. It bypasses your brain and does something to your heart. I could only focus on one thing – my crappy week or singing to my beloved. I chose the latter and I never regret that choice.
Thursday was a bag of mixed emotions. It started with a healthy dose of anxiety as I walked into the office for an interview which lasted over an hour. Then I had to dealwith and, for lack of a better word, diffuse a could-have-been client crisis (with the same one I was with on Tuesday) and then had 3 sessions back to back. I love working with children but my word, they have so much energy – something I wouldn’t normally mind except that I haven’t been sleeping. That evening I went to dinner with my parents to a fancy schmancy restaurant to celebrate by dad’s 63rd birthday. But, I also learned of the death of a dear friend – he was only 31. Here one minute, gone the next. I had been with him just a couple months before and it’s just not fair. But, it’s never fair is it.
Today I forced myself to rest by working from my favorite coffee shop, writing notes and making consult calls all day. I only had one client and she’s fairly easy. (Yes, this was my restful day). I was slow but all in all productive. I jumped on Facebook for a moment and got sad all over again. My feed was full of pictures and memories of my friend. See, grief doesn’t give a fuck what your plan was for the day. It is rude, intrusive and relentless until you address it. So I thought about him, missed him, and even cried a little.
If you’ve been following my blogs, you know that I am all too familiar with death/loss/grief in juxtaposition with life/birth/joy. As familiar as it is, though, it’s still painful and I don’t like it one bit. If I walk away with any bit of wisdom from this week, it’s that I have a choice and that is to let things go. I can obsess over all the little ‘bad’ things that happened and be further exhausted or I can be grateful that I learned a lot, I’m still alive and I made a difference in at least one persons life this week (maybe more)!
What you behold, you become. What you watch, what you listen to, how you speak and what you think about are the lenses through which you interpret the rest of life: rose colored or doom and gloom? It really is that easy. And there is NO SHAME in asking for help in you’ve only ever owned doom and gloom glasses and don’t know where to look. Find a friend, a pastor, a mentor, a therapist – they know where to find these other lenses and will get you fitted for your very own pair as soon as you’re ready.
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