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The murder of Andrew Brightbart, is one of the juiciest, and perhaps most believed conspiracies among conspiracy theorist. After all, Andrew Breitbart, did not shy away from controversial statements. Like going public in a video with allegations that John Pedosta had something to hide. And shortly before his death, there was this tweet.

Who the fuck is that guy on the bottom right of this photo?
Now you can choose to believe that the Clintons ran cocaine out of Arkansas while Bill held political office, or that politicians deal directly with Satan and channel demonic entities at Bohemian Grove with all their illuminati buddies (probably all true). Or even that the Clintons, Obama and Podesta had Andrew Breitbart killed for his repeatedly toxic rhetoric towards them. But if you considered all this more than the possibility that Andrew Breitbart was killed by his own propensity for cheeseburgers, then I suspect that you are either (A) an Alt-Right troll, B) a complete idiot, or C) correct.

But if you insist on going the conspiracy route, might I offer you another more viable line of bullshit? Let’s ignore for a moment that Andrew Breitbart had let himself go and drank (and snorted?) his middle aged vessel into the bloated toad that we saw at the end (Not to mention that he died outside a bar in the wee hours of the morning after drinking)and just go all in on the idea that he was ……..murdered.

I for one love a True Crime story, and one of my favorite games is irresponsible speculation. And trust me, I can dedicate hours upon hours of confirmation bias to this pastime

First of all, what was Andrew Breitbart? A writer, a publisher, an entrepreneur? True, he was all these things according to his wiki. Yet, when I think of Andrew Breitbart, I don’t think of his articles, his books, or his business ventures. I don’t even think about his conservative/libertarian/unsympathetic views on race or culture. I think of all the times that Andrew Breibart opened his mouth and pissed people off. Because if Andrew Breitbart was good at anything, It was making people angry.

Andrew, lived for the thrill of being the center of attention, like when he went on shows like Opie and Anthony just to show pictures of Anthony Wiener (which he kept on his phone) jacking his meat stick. Or the time he declared in front of a roaring crowd of like minded, “culturally similar” people that he was going to expose Barack Obama with college videos from almost 25 years before his presidency. Videos that never saw the light of day despite all the channels of distribution at his disposal, like the aforementioned shock jock show circuit, Fox News, and of course his own news outlet named after himself, Breitbart.

Now surely, given his obnoxious nature, the possibility of being suicided must have crossed Andrew’s mind at some point. But whether he believed that it was possible, or he didn’t, you could rest assured that nothing was going to stop Andrew Breitbart from saying what he was going to say and doing what he was going to do. You see, Andrew, was by all accounts either a courageous trailblazing truth speaker, or a petty, outright bully.

So yeah, it’s possible that someone killed Andrew Breitbart because of something he said or did. But in my opinion, that’s way too easy to believe given that slandering and trolling was all he ever did. As annoying as he was, why would someone kill him for it?

Then something occurred to me the other night while watching “The Big Lebowski” for the 100th time.

“It’s like Lenin said, you look for the person who will benefit… And, uh… You know, you’ll, uh… You know what I mean.” The Dude.

The actual quote from Lenin goes:

“When it is not immediately apparent which political or social groups, forces or alignments advocate certain proposals, measures, etc., one should always ask: “Who stands to gain?”

So in this case, “Who stands to gain?”

What does let’s say, Barack Obama, stand to gain by assassinating Andrew Breitbart? Shutting him up? Does anyone think that there was a chance that a Breitbart follower would vote for Barack Obama under any circumstances? And vice versa, does anyone believe that a base Barack Obama voter would have been swayed by anything that Andrew Breitbart had to say?

Killing Breibart over being Breibart is like hunting sharks for biting people. It doesn’t make sense. If you decide to kill someone like Breitbart, you do it because he has something. And the most valuable thing he had at the time was the Breibart brand. Now try for a moment to understand how powerful that brand is, Breitbart, was patient zero of that of the skinny jeans wearing, tiki torch baring, neo-nazi group in Charlottesville.

He was what they will turn into in twenty years. They will look and talk like him. They will quote him, turn to his philosophies, photocopy his ideology into their DNA. They will canonize and follow his name into the next Charlottesville or Trump Administration. Leading that group of dedicated racist, that group of “disagree with me and we are at war” victimized morons, is worth billions in power and influence. And there is only one person who wanted that more than anyone else, Steven K Bannon.

Bannon, has been called by many people the most evil man in existence. Bannon, is not called evil for his conservative beliefs (although he could be). He’s also not evil for his support of Trump (although a case could be made). Bannon is evil for the simple reason that the motherfucker is the pure embodiment of anti-good incarnate. A true detriment to humanity. A man who is actively trying to bring about the motherfucking apocalypse .

If anyone had a motive to see Breibart dead, it was Bannon, just consider how much he benefited from it.

He “inherited” Breitbart News.
He retained the dedicated attention of the neo-nazi, skinny jean wearing, army of tiki torchers.
The exclusive financial backing of Billionaire Robert Mercer, a richer, smarter, more evil version of Lex Luther.
On top of all that, he became the right hand of Donald Trump with a made up position, just for him. Can’t you picture Andrew Breitbart speaking at the republican convention? Giving interviews, defending the Charlottesville protest and demonizing counter protestors for opposing Neo-Nazis? I can.

It was after taking all these facts into consideration that we here at 33HQ decided to undertake a ritual to discover the truth.

We knew we had to speak directly to the devil.

It was storming outside that night. The thunder erupted across the sky in a rolling crash as the rain began to pour down. Ben was waiting for me at the crossroads, slouching against the downpour in his trench coat and fedora.

“You got the book?” I ask.

“Sure,” Ben says, holding up the embossed, leather-bound volume that flickers as a bolt of lightening cracks open the sky. “You got the chicken?”

I lift that fat cock up to Ben’s eyes, “This is Andrew.” I say over the roar of the rain. “Andrew Breitbart.”