Here it is. The granddaddy of them all. Where it all began. Madison Square Garden New York. WRESTLEMANIA.
Now, full disclosure here, it sounds like I am hyping this up to the max, but when Wrestlemania 1 happened on March 31st 1985, I was five years old, and didn’t watch it. And not only did I not watch it when I was five, but I haven’t even seen the show since, either. I am one of those people that think wrestling as we know it began with Wrestlemania 3 and Hulk Vs Andre. If I am being honest, I couldn’t tell you a thing about the card for Wrestlemania 1 or 2, other than I am pretty sure Mr T was in them, and I only know that because it strikes me as hilarious.
Anyway. March 31, 1985. For context: Ronald Reagan was president of the US. Margaret Thatcher was prime minister of Great Britain. Phil Collins was at number one on both sides of the Atlantic, but with different songs: Easy Lover in the UK, One More Night in the US. Both songs are equally shit. The number one movie at the time was Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, but if we’re being honest, we all know the most important thing that happened moviewise in 1985 was Marty McFly going back in time.
And me? I was five, and didn’t know wrestling existed. So here we go, for the first time ever, it’s time to watch Wrestlemania 1.
Now, I’ve gotta admit, I was presuming the show was going to kick off with some fireworks. Literal fireworks, probably, or metaphorical ones even, whichever. But no, it kicks off with Gorilla Monsoon saying pretty much, “Oh, hi, I wasn’t expecting you. It’s Wrestlemania! Let’s go to the ring and Howard Finkel.” And then there in the ring is Howard Finkel, with a logo balancing atop his forehead for some reason.
Oh, I think. I guess we’re getting right into the action.
But no! The Fink is introducing a special guest to sing the national anthem! And that special guest is… Mene Gene Okerlund? Who asks for help from the audience, because he can’t sing, apparently? And who is already looking down at his cue cards on the very first line of the song, because apparently he doesn’t know even the very first line of his national anthem?
Ok, I’m just gonna come out and say it, this is a fucking weird way for a show to start. Any show, nevermind the biggest show in the whole wide world. Why is it all so seat of the pants?
And now it’s happening! Lord Alfred Hayes is backstage, announcing what the first match is going to be, because apparently that’s not a job the commentators can do.
what the fuck are you wearing, Alfred
Lord Alfred tells us it’s Tito Santana Vs The Executioner, which means I am about to officially begin this ridiculous task I have set out for myself, only not really, because Mene Gene is back in his slightly better fitting role of interviewer, in some pretaped interviews with them both.
Mene Gene and Tito both seem fairly proud of the fact that they know nothing about the Executioner. Which seems odd, as you would think they would do at least a little research on a guy they are going to have to wrestle/interview. But then the man himself appears and you realise why.
executioner what the fuck do you have on your face
“You will know something about me after… ummmm… I get through with Tito Santana,” Executioner says, making me think that this is not only the first time the guy has ever given a promo, it may well be the first time he’s ever had to formulate full sentences. It’s worth noting that this is a pretaped interview. They totally could have had him do that fluffed line again.
So. The Executioner. This is the guy that is going to be opening Wrestlemania. Taking part in the first match on their first ever PPV.
What the fuck, WWF.
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