First of all, I love this Karen Millen dress. But, as with a lot of my favourite dresses nowadays, it doesn’t fit me anymore. Backside of losing weight *sad face*
Anyway… When one side of you is too nice and it doesn’t really fit in with the other side of you, then you need some guidance. I know I am “miss sunshine”, but I want the tough side in me to be able to shine too.
My inner struggle is with the nice me and the me that can do so much with her life, if only she puts herself first. I know what I am capable of, and I want to combine that nice side of me with my business side. Some days I got it, but the side where I put everyone else’s happiness and feelings before my own always wins in the end.
I want to be able to combine the good cop in me with the bad cop. Working on the ferries, I knew that after closing I could just disappear up in the crew area and still be remembered as the nice smiley casino girl. We were not allowed to be in the passenger’s area after closing, and that excuse suited my Good-Cop-role very well. “Ah, sorry guys. Not allowed to hang out. Typical. Nighty night.” And if needed my colleague would always play the Bad Cop. But it doesn’t really work in “real life”, off the ferry. I can’t play the part I used to play when I was in my uniform. Not in real life.
Being humble and understanding are good personality traits, and I don’t want to lose that, but I’m extremely humble and understanding. To the point where I don’t let myself shine. At least not to the fullest. When you can’t be proud of who you really are and you keep putting yourself down, it’s gone too far. Especially when you are 34 years old and you should already have it all figured out. 
At the moment I feel like Baby Spice, Scary Spice, Ginger Spice, Sporty Spice and Posh Spice, all in one (don’t ask why they popped up in my head…)
I’ve got all the different pieces for the puzzle, but I can’t get them to fit just yet. I need to focus and work hard on myself, and I’ve realised that I might need a coach! And I need to let the past go. Memories and all. I need a clean start.
I’ve met two different psychologists since I was seventeen. I started going to one after I had my ketoacidosis and it was really about my diabetes. Later on I understood that I didn’t need help accepting my diabetes, but maybe with other things. I say help, but now I’ve realised it was/is more about me needing guidance. My second psychologist I started go to almost three years ago when I got signed off sick from work due to fatigue syndrome/exhaustion. I saw her for a few months, and I worked my ass off to try and get back in the game. I don’t think you ever do though. I said no to anti depressives and only took prescribed vitamin D. Unfortunately, I had to go back to her seven months after I’d stopped seeing her. And this is one of the many things that has made me as strong as I am today…
I gave birth and we lost our little baby boy in week 23.
Both psychologists I’ve met have in the end told me something along the lines of: You got all the answers yourself, I can’t really help you. Like I’ve said before, I go through a lot of thoughts in my head. I turn things inside out, and then decide how and if I want things to affect me. But there is still so many things I don’t know how to make the most of.
It’s funny knowing what you can bring to the table, but that you never let yourself. 
And now it has gone so far that I don’t know where to start, or how to change. I feel that I don’t fit in anywhere, and it’s probably because I just adapt to how the people around me are. Or I don’t feel that I fit in because I’m so used to having all different nationalities around me, even living with them, and that is more me… But I guess I adapt to not stand out too much. I think my inner fight is between making sure people like me, so I adapt, or being the strong, funny, sparkly, beautiful, intelligent and outgoing person that I really am. And at the same time I don’t believe myself when I say it, but I know deep down it’s true. What a mess, right? I have so many things to take care of and worry about first that, unfortunately, this coach thing probably has to wait anyway. Plus, it’s not for free! But I think that is my way forward after everything in my life has settled a bit. I need to balance my good cop and my bad cop!
